


Summertime Sadness

by orphan_account



Category: South Park
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-21
Updated: 2015-03-13
Packaged: 2018-03-14 00:28:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3401786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The summer after graduation is full of nostalgia and anticipation as everyone figures out where to go from here, and for some the high running emotions can make or break what they've spent so long trying to build.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“I know it’s just because we’re all going off to college in a few months but I think I’ll even miss him.”

Clyde nodded towards Cartman where he was dangerously close to spilling his drink and trying to convince the rest of the party that Russia uses Vodka instead of water in their distribution systems.

“It’s true, water just freezes in the winter and it’s cheaper than heating the pipes.”

“That’s not fucking true, fatass!”

The rest of the party turned away as Kyle continued his rant, not even the nostalgia of the night enough to keep them engaged in a 13 year old argument.

“At least you recognize the reason for your lapse in judgment.”

“C’mon Craig, are you really going to keep pretending you won’t miss any of this?” Clyde turned his head to see if the alcohol had numbed Craig’s system enough that he would receive a smile.

“I wouldn’t be moving two-thousand miles away if I was going to miss this.” He indicated the room with a flick of his empty cup.

Clyde pulled his attention back to the rest of the room. Token, Jimmy, and Tweek were re-filling their drinks by the snack table, and most of the girls were sitting together alternating between laughing and crying loudly. Wendy was sitting next to Stan on the couch, trying to distract him so his eyes don’t wander towards the alcohol more than they already are. They haven’t been together officially for years now and she’s still trying to fix him.

Clyde shakes his head and hopes he’s never that pathetic about someone. Speaking of pathetic, Cartman and Kyle are still at it. You’d think after this many years they’d have lost some of their steam, but here they are still arguing with each other with the same liveliness they had as kids, just with less gross humor and bigotry.

“I guess…” Clyde watched as Craig crumpled his cup in his hand and headed towards the door. Clyde followed and watched as he pushed the door open, “Hey, we’re still on for tomorrow though right?”

Craig nodded before pulling the door closed behind him.

**…**

“You know everyone’s over at Stan’s house are you sure you don’t want to go?”

“Yeah I’m sure, I like being with you way better anyways.” Butters put down his next card, two of diamonds, ‘darn!’ Butters internally cursed as Kenny pulled an eight of hearts from his pile, winning both cards and the entire game.

Kenny’s still technically on duty at the gas station where he works, but in a small town like South Park there’s hardly anyone around to buy gas at 12:30 on a Wednesday night, much less anyone who’s coming in to pay cash or buy something. So, instead of eagerly awaiting the next non-existent customer he’s playing War with Butters, who insists on hanging around when he has the night shift alone.  

Kenny arranges the cards into a new deck as he remembers how the first couple of times he tried to be sneaky about it. He’d come in around nine and pretend to be deciding between whatever kinds of cheap junk food they have stocked for a few hours before he left to wait in his car until sun up. Butters never even talked to him about it until Kenny threatened to call security on him for loitering, an empty threat of course, the only security at the gas station was the half-broken panic button behind the counter and a handgun in the storage closet. He couldn’t help but take pity on the smaller boy when he stuttered out an apology and explanation that was strangely vigilante-like for someone who used to dress as a supervillain whose goal is to bring chaos and destruction to all.

But, because of all that they can at least keep each other company during those long nights.

“So what do you want to do?” Kenny raises an eyebrow at the boy across the counter while he puts the cards back in their box. After he sets them aside he leans across to look Butters in the eye.

"How long until the end of your shift?”

“I’m closing,” Kenny said as he glanced up at the dusty clock, “so, I’ve got about half an hour.”

“Huh, well geez I’m not sure, Ken, you choose.” Butters rubbed his knuckles together, something he hadn’t grown out of since he was young.

Kenny smiled at the familiar habits of his friend, he was one of the few he would miss when they all finally left for college. Speaking of…

“How about you tell me more about that fancy art school of yours.”

Butters lit up at the mention of his dream school.

“Well you know how I told you about the um, work study they said I can do even if I stay at my Aunt’s house?”

“Uh-huh…” Kenny took to doing a final restocking of Slurpee cups while Butters told him all about how amazing California was going to be and how he’d get enough money in scholarships for an almost free-ride. After a few minutes they were interrupted by a ring of the front door as someone walked in.

Kenny smirked at the familiar figure entering the small gas station.

“Sorry, sir we’re actually closing right now.”

“Cut the crap, McCormick, I need a new lighter.” Craig’s nasal voice filled the room as he walked up to the counter and set down the spare change from his pockets.

“Well in that case can I see some ID?”

“Fuck you.”

“I’m flattered, but no thank you. You see I’ve got Butters here for that now.” Kenny pulled him in with one arm and extended the other out, gesturing to an invisible horizon, “I’ve moved on to better things, greener pastures, Tucker.”

Butters, who had been silent during all of this, turned red and tried to splutter out his denial. “No! I mean-We’re not-and he...I-”

Craig ignored him, “I can practically hear the hearts breaking, now please do your job and sell me a lighter.”

Kenny took his time counting out the $1.04 from the pile of change on the counter and slid the lighter across the counter into Craig’s hand. “Thank you for your purchase, valued customer.”

He said nothing as he left, purchase in hand, just gave them the standard Craig Tucker middle finger and let the door swing closed behind him.


	2. Chapter 2

“Why do you always gotta do that, Kenny?” Butters asks later, when Kenny is locking up for the night and every customer is long gone, both of them are standing outside the gas station as Kenny turns his key in the door.

“What do you mean?” Kenny turns around to follow butters to his car like he always does, but Butters is standing resolutely, still, his arms are crossed and there’s the slightest pout on his lips.

"You know I hate when you fellas joke about me. And Craig is just..m-mean, you shouldn't try to impress him.”

Kenny sighed, “Maybe I don’t think of it as a joke.”

“W-what do you mean?”

“Maybe I kinda want that to be true."

“H-huh?”

Kenny looks at Butters face, the wide brown eyes and thin white scar running over one, down to his chubby cheek. He tries to suppress his guilt over it, and fails, like he always does when he looks at Butter’s face. But this time there’s not much to lose, if he has to avoid Butters after this it’ll only be for a few months. So Kenny does what he always wants to when he’s feeling guilty about something and he tries to make it better.

He pockets the key, cradles Butter’s face in his hands and kisses the scar. Then, when his eyes are closed he lets go of his resolve and kisses his lips.

It’s short and chaste, but Butter’s enthusiasm quickly turns it into more. They share many quick, sloppy kisses, no real technique or skill, just a culmination of years and years of wanting.

Finally they stop. Kenny puts his hand between them, palm flat against Butter’s chest and he’s able to feel his pounding heartbeat. He uses the hand to separate them a bit, just temporarily. His other hand comes up to the back of his head, trying to cover himself, a nervous tic he had developed after elementary when he eased up on wearing his hood up all the time. It brought him comfort when he was feeling vulnerable and as he tried to smile through his nervousness. This was an unfamiliar ball park for Kenny who never had time to keep up with a relationship since around the seventh grade.

“So, um.” Kenny was shifting his weight from foot to foot, not sure how to start a conversation about what they had done, and hoping he didn’t have to.  “Long time coming, right?”

“Yeah” Butters matched his nervous grin with a steady one of his own.

“You ready to drive me home now?” Kenny asked after a pause.

“You betcha!” With his newly resurged energy Butters runs to the driver’s side door, unlocking the car on his way.

…

Clyde skidded to a halt in front of his best friend’s house and honked the horn loudly, keeping his foot on the break, ready to go as soon as Craig got in.

“Hey, motherfucker!” Clyde called out as his friend exited his house, closing and locking the door behind him.

“You better learn to keep a lid on that.” Craig said once he got to the car and fastened his seat belt.

“What are you talking about?” Clyde said distracted, backing out of the driveway and onto the neighborhood road they had grown up on.

“My parents already hate you enough as it is, you’re lucky they weren't home to hear that.”

“Like they give a shit.” It was true, with the amount of profanity spoken and shown over dinner they probably couldn't care less about what Clyde was calling their son. “Besides what would they even do? Ground you?”

“Don’t know, don’t care.”

"Yeah, yeah. Must be great, knowing you won’t be here that much longer.” Clyde was only slightly jealous of Craig’s full ride to some fancy ass school in Vermont, he knew he’d be better off just staying in South Park to get some associate’s degree. No college in their right mind would give him any kind of scholarship for his subpar grades, or his clumsy hockey skills.

“You know I need to get the fuck out of this town, it’s either so boring I want to blow my brains out or so fucking crazy that there are giant laser-beam aliens trying to blow my brains out for me.”

“I think you’re exaggerating” Clyde grinned, “Besides, the only laser-beam alien I see around here is you.”

“Ha fucking ha.”

“Yeah, yeah…So, anyway, you’re saying I’m so boring I make you want to blow your brains out?” Clyde hides the venerability in that behind a laugh and an amount of forced cheerfulness that only Craig could detect.

Craig knows what he should say, “Of course not, I love you.” But wouldn't that be stupid. Really fucking stupid, because he’s leaving and Clyde’s not and maybe they can be together later, but not fucking now. They can’t.

And Craig thinks, when he’s contemplating doing something really stupid, a lot about the scary things that have happened in his life.  And now that he’s free to do the stupidest thing ever he really thinks hard. He thinks about the earliest memory of bone chilling fear he can remember, during the stick of truth game when everything became real and it went bad, fast, and he didn't know how to help Clyde. He remembers holding Clyde on his bathroom floor in middle school, calling him a dumb ass after he caught him with his fingers down his throat. He remembers riding shotgun in Clyde’s car, the week after he got his license, joking about getting himself killed with that kind of driving, but then stopping and actually thinking about what that meant before telling Clyde that he’s driving them to school the next day.

It’s all flashing through his mind, losing Clyde, missing Clyde, Clyde dying, Clyde, Clyde, and more Clyde. Until he can’t take it anymore and the thought of looking stupid is meaningless if it means he’ll never have to let go of Clyde. But now he’s tearing up and if he says what he should it’ll come out as a sob and neither of them will stop crying and the whole thing can’t just be over and done with as abruptly as it started.

“You never bore me.” He says instead, and with that Craig thinks he’ll understand. For someone so outwardly monotone that has to count for something. When he could have made some dumb joke about how boring they both are it has to count for something.

And it does.

Clyde’s whole face just softens the slightest bit, and dammit it’s like looking at the sun, even if it’s just the profile, but Craig won’t look away, not now.

“I know.” Clyde says, his voice quieter than usual and maybe just a little heavy with tears he hasn’t shed yet. “You never bore me either.”

Craig supposes he doesn’t know what he was afraid of anyway. It’s not like they both didn’t know already, and it’s not like they’ve said it out loud now. Not in so many words, not yet. But maybe this trip to Denver would be good for them, help them get to a place where one day they would.

…

At Butter’s house he and Kenny were lounging together, on his Hello Kitty bedspread, one of the last remaining relics of his early childhood. It had spent years stuffed in the back of his closet, with a tinfoil helmet and a blonde wig. Until last year when Butter’s finally decided it was dumb to try and hide parts of himself away like that. The fear of being called childish faded pretty fast as he and his pals entered junior year together. The pressure of choosing jobs, and colleges, and volunteer work made them all want to relive the past in some way.

Kenny’s head lifted from where he had been resting it on Butter’s lap and he turned, facing him so they were knee to knee on the bed.

“You know, we should get out and do something before you leave.”

“Oh, yeah? Like what?” Butters smiled nervously.

“I dunno, road trip across the country?” Kenny suggested hopefully. A small part of Kenny had always kind of wanted one of those cheesy epic summer romances where they did nothing but sit around in a van with dewy windows and messy blankets piled up in the back. The two of them would be parked in the forest, with nothing more than each other and a list of locations to slowly check off. This may be his only chance to get close to that. “I guess it might be hard to do all that in one summer…I forget how fast you have to leave for orientation and all, but maybe-“

“That sounds really nice, Ken.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, and…Can I tell you kind of a big secret?”

“Sure, Butters.”

“I-I mean this is a really big one, I’d get grounded for sure if my parents ever found out.”

“They’ll ground you for anything.” Kenny tried to sound like he wasn't frustrated by that, but what kind of parents are they? Butter’s is practically an adult, he’s on his way to college, and not even on their dime, yet they still treat him like shit.

“That’s true…Okay, you don’t even have to worry about me taking time off orientation for that road trip.”

“Really? Why’s that?” Kenny smiled

“I’m not actually going to CalArts.” Kenny’s mind went blank at this. “I deferred it until next year back in March.”

“What the fuck? Are you serious, how could you throw that away for me? I wasn’t even a sure thing back then.”

‘I’m not even a sure thing now’ Kenny thought after he had stood up in surprise.

Butters looked angry at this.

“It wasn’t just for you. I know he’s gone now and it’s just my Aunt, but I can’t stand the thought of living in that house after all those times!”

Kenny was in shock at Butter’s mention of his uncle, he had foolishly forgotten about the off-handed mentions of abuse from their childhood, when everything was a joke and no one had any real worries, other than fighting off Satanic Christmas creatures and Mecha-Streisands.

“Butters…” Kenny didn’t know what to say, how to recover from that. He felt selfish for even thinking this was about him. He didn’t know how to make this better, he didn’t think he ever would.

He tried though, he reached out towards him and Butters looked up, his eyes hard and angry for a second until they widened dramatically.

“Kenny, don’t cry!”

He didn’t even know he had been. But lo and behold there was a tear drop, Kenny felt and then watched as it fell hotly off his face and down to where he was watching his feet.

“I-I…” Kenny stumbled back in shock.

“It’s okay! Shhhh!” Butters tried to calm him down with his hands, fanning air in his face, rubbing his back and coaxing him back onto the bed, laying him down for good measure. “It wasn’t your fault you didn’t know! It all came out wrong! It’s not your fault.” he repeated the last part over and over until Kenny could speak again.

“No I-I mean I just assumed. I’m so stupid, sorry…”

“Well, we both know that’s not true, Ken. You’re not stupid.” Butters brushed the last tear from his eye and straddled his thin torso with thick thighs. “But you’re really good at acting it… It’s fine though, I think it’s kind of cute.”

Kenny laughed at that.

“You know, you’re kind of a dick, Butters. But I think it’s kind of cute too.”

“Geez, Ken you sure do know how to make someone feel special.”

“You haven’t seen anything yet, babe.” And Kenny kisses him.

…

Craig and Clyde’s trip to Denver passed mostly in companionable silence. Once they arrived in town they set about their day in the same way they had for the last two years. Ever since they had been able to legally drive alone they set aside one weekend a month to get out of South Park. It was stifling to stay in the same place all the time and the movie theater in Denver played more than one movie at a time. Plus they served a full menu of food so they didn’t have to argue about where to have dinner afterwards.

Although their schedule was more or less the same as it had always been the mood was different. Everything they did had an undertone of affection and domesticity that neither Clyde nor Craig had noticed before. Whether it was the summer getting to them or the almost-confession earlier in the day they didn’t know. But something about it made Craig’s anxiety ease, and the fact that they were in a huge city where no one knew them just helped the matter.

It was a little after nine pm when Clyde started his car to head back home. The city was still bustling even on a Thursday, and the bright lights of the cars on the highway melting into each other made everything feel a little like a dream.

Craig leaned his forehead against the window as the mountains passed by on his way home, he was about to fall asleep when he heard Clyde clear his throat to speak. So instead, he sat up straighter and turned back to face his friend’s profile in the dark.

“You know I was always a little jealous of Tweek.” Clyde said, “When you were dating I mean.” He amended.

“What? Why would you be jealous of that?” Craig had no idea where that came from, he had never been jealous of Bebe and she and Clyde had a way more serious relationship. They at least never had to hide because of one’s crippling social anxiety and the other’s crippling anxiety just in general. Eventually the relationship was hurting more than helping both of them. They had both been too broken and had no business trying to fix anyone else.

“I guess just the way you always took care of him.” Clyde seemed to think about it more, “Even when you didn’t seem to notice.”

“I was painfully aware of how I took care of him. Besides you hate when people try and baby you.” That was why you broke up with Bebe.

Craig wouldn’t say that though. They both knew and no one needed to bring up memories of the aftermath, junior prom where she took the mic from the presenter announcing king and queen to let everyone know he was still “cry-baby Clyde”. No hard feelings though, she got herself back pretty well two minutes later when she had to accept her crown in front of a room full of people who clearly regretted voting for her.

“I know, it’s stupid. It must have just been because it was you I liked the idea of it.”

“It’s not stupid, it’s just…Look, we always had each other, right? You’re the constant in my life and I like it that way. But I don’t have to baby you to be close and you don’t have to pretend to like it.”

Craig was frustrated that they were even talking about this, Clyde was always trying to fix shit but never knew how. He always came to the dumbest fucking conclusions or started crying about it.

“So that’s what we’re calling this?”

“What?”

“Like, we’re what? Close? Like, constant, what does that even mean? Are we dating, are we going to fuck? I don’t know where we go from here.”

“Shit, dude. It’s late let’s talk about this later.” Craig just wanted to avoid this conversation at all cost, the small break in Clyde’s voice was making him anxious, like he never does when it’s just the two of them, and he needed it to stop.

“What, no! You can’t be that shocked I’m asking.”

“I obviously can be, since I am. I thought we were both too chicken to actually do something about this!”

“Don’t yell, I’m just asking a question!”

“Well it’s a stupid question.” Craig pushed his hands through his hair nervously. He felt sick to his stomach at the way they were fighting when they only had a little time together before he was across the country. “I don’t know why you’re doing this now.”

That was a lie, of course, but he didn't know how to stop him short of unbuckling his seat belt and leaping from the car.

“I’m not letting you ignore this just because it makes you uncomfortable.” Clyde was edging on whining and he probably knew it because he followed with, “We can wait until we get to my house though, we’re almost there.”

“Fine.”

...

A few weeks after graduation, and into their new relationship, Butters and Kenny were together in Butter’s bedroom again. His parents had been out of town nearly the whole time and they had both been taking full advantage of it.

Today they were planning out their pre-college trip together, after the first little hiccup in the plan was behind them Butter’s had enthusiastically taken the reins with planning. For someone who claimed chaos followed wherever they went he was extremely organized in his proposals for the getaway.

Large poster board sheets were filled with maps and pictures of different places they could go and things they could see. Kenny couldn't be happier to share the experience, no matter what they actually ended up doing.

“Hey, Kenny?” Butters spoke up from where he had been on the floor, eagerly using his glue stick on a map of northern New Mexico.

“What’s up?”

“What are you planning on doing next year?” He sounded a little worried, like he wasn’t sure if he could ask this.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I’m not sure if I’m going to school or whatever else, and I was just wondering what your plans might be.”

“I hadn’t been thinking about it really.” And he hadn’t, “I guess I’ll try and pick up another job, move out of my parent’s place.”

“Nothing else? I mean you got pretty good grades when you wanted to…”

“Yeah, and?” Kenny didn’t know what he was trying to say with all of this, he and Butter’s were in completely different situations and it would take a lot more for him to do something with his life.

“Maybe, I guess…I thought maybe you’d be thinking about going to college.”

“I was never the college type.” Kenny tries to reason, and he’s not sure if he’s trying to convince himself or the person he’s talking to. “Forget about it.”

“Things change, you know? And college isn’t for everyone but that doesn’t mean it’s not for you and darn it you have to at least try!” Butters is screaming at him now, but he suddenly stops and looks straight at Kenny who's trying to hide in the parka it is way too hot to be wearing. His face is hot, red, and wet from angry tears running down it. He knows this is the last-ditch effort to get Kenny to listen to him. “For me.”

The outburst was surprising to Kenny who thought he’d be able to defuse the situation easily, but Butters was not allowing him to give this up without a fight.

“Butters, don’t get upset, I’ll think about it, okay?” Kenny wrapped him up in a hug and whispered into his hair, “I just need some time.”


End file.
